The Day Victim Thinking Got My Goat



I’ve heard the Ownership Spirit seminar hundreds of times.  (I have a front row seat.)  I preach Owner/Victim every day, I can spot Owner/Victim thinking with my eyes closed, and I’ve coached leaders all over the country about Owner/Victim cultures.  I think I’ve got it down.

But I still have to choose Owner over Victim every single day.

I have a favorite jogging trail that I run.  A few mornings ago, as I was running along this path, I saw some tiny, baby goats and lambs in a fenced yard.  One of the little goats was up on the block wall surrounding the property and there were lots of his little friends gathered around him.  There were even a couple of the goats on my side of the fence looking up at their friend on the wall.  As I jogged past, the little goats started bleating at me, particularly these two on my side of the fence.

You might not know this about me, but it happens that I speak goat.  (To be honest, I didn’t know it myself until that moment.)  As I jogged past, those baby lambs and kids turned and looked right at me, and starting pleading with their eyes and their frantic little sounds.  “Help our little friend!”  they said.  “He’s stuck on that wall.  He can’t get down.  Please help our little friend!”

I could hear their cries for help.  I knew exactly what they wanted.  I speak goat, after all.

But I immediately started rationalizing:

This is crazy.  Get ahold of yourself, Dennis.

That’s a goat.  It has hooves and teeth and it might bite.  Who knows what could happen?

That wall is high, I’m not even sure I could reach it if I tried.

What if the owners see me and think I’m stealing their baby goat?

What if someone else jogs by and thinks I’ve totally lost my mind?

Someone else will get him down.  Someone who likes goats, or knows about goats, or isn’t possibly allergic to goats, or has a degree in animal husbandry with an emphasis in goat rescue.

One of the little goats by the fence started running back and forth, desperately expressing his anxiety.  He looked at me, and then looked up at his friend, looked back at me, and then bleated his cry for help.  “Help our little friend!”

It was so clear what he wanted and what he was asking me, you didn’t even have to speak goat to get it.  I almost started towards him.  But then I remembered:

He’s not even my goat.

This is not my problem.  Or my area of expertise.

He has teeth and hooves.  Teeth and hooves can hurt.  And when exactly did I have my last tetanus shot?

I’m just out for a jog, minding my own business, surely someone else will help.  Plus, I’m on course to run a sub-ten-minute-mile here.

And so I kept going.  Finished my jog, got my heart-rate up, did my daily cardio, got my endorphins pumping, crossed something off my list.

But I could not shake the image of that little baby goat in trouble.  In fact, every time I jog past that spot I wonder how he got down, how long he was up there, who finally came to his rescue.  It’s a sore spot, and I joked with my wife, Susan, that I’ve seriously got to consider finding a new jogging path just to ease my regret.

I missed an opportunity.  I was too busy thinking like a Victim to help.  (Did I mention the hooves and the teeth?)  I was too busy with my own agenda to help.  (A ten-minute mile, people!)  Over the last few months a subtle distinction in Owner/Victim thinking has become very apparent to me.  When I am in Victim-mode I am thinking about myself, the situation is all about me, my needs and my view, and whether or not my tetanus booster is up-to-date.  When I am thinking and acting like an Owner I can see the greater good, I am willing to be inconvenienced, I go to the trouble for others, and I am even happy to go out of my way to help someone else.

And whether we’re face-to-face with a stranded baby goat, a floundering project manager, or an entire corporate culture that has lost its edge, we have the opportunity every single day, every moment of every single day, to choose Owner over Victim, to choose the greater good over personal concerns–the choice that makes all the difference.

I’m interested in your thoughts.

Ownership Spirit – Testimonial



I was the Class President in high school.  I was always one to succeed at whatever I tried.  Sports, academics, business, whatever….  It didn’t matter.  There was nothing I couldn’t do.

I graduated high school in 1990 and went to undergraduate school at UNC Chapel Hill.  My parents were unable to pay for my college, however, I worked a 40 hour work week, running my own business, and graduated in 4 years.  I excelled on campus, both socially and academically.   Upon graduating college, with a double major in Political Science and History, I found work with the local police department.  I attended the police academy and graduated first in my class.  I worked patrol for less than a year before being promoted to the Vice/Narcotics squad.  I excelled at this, receiving numerous accommodations.

However, it wasn’t enough.  So 7 years later, I left the police department to start my own construction and real estate firm.  I grew it from a single basement office into a booming business.  I was building 20-30 homes at a time and had a staff of more than 10.  I was the talk of the town.

Then, it all started to crumble.   As quick as I attained it, I seemed to lose it all.  The houses stopped moving, the bills kept coming and before I knew it, I was $680,000 in debt.  People turned on me, including my family.

I lost it all; my savings, my house, and then my marriage.  However, I kept my dignity.  I set up a payment plan with my trades and got it all paid back.  It took me 2 years, but I liquidated and worked it out.  But in the end, I had lost everything.  I lost the $300k house, the nice cars, and my wife of 14 years.

I moved into a rental house that my boss owned.  I struggled each week to put gas in my car and feed my kids.  I remember one day paying for gas in change, $.93 cents, just enough to get me home.  I kept majority custody of my kids.  They kept me going.

Then, it seemed I got the break I needed.  A job offer…one that seemed too good to be true;  a sales representative with an unbelievable company.  A job I loved, all the while helping others.  In January, 2009 I was flown to Tucson, Arizona for the Varsity Gold annual sales meeting.  I was recognized for signing up more programs than anyone in the history of the company.  However, the best thing to come from this trip to the desert was the four hour Quma session with Dennis Deaton.  At first, I wasn’t sure what to expect until he first spoke.  His passion spewed throughout our small group.  And I quickly knew that Dennis had figured it out.  I wasn’t quite sure what “it” was.  When the session was over, I shook his hand and thanked him.  I also picked up a copy of The Ownership Spirit.  I started to read it on the flight back to North Carolina.  I understood it completely; however, it just didn’t set in with me initially.

Two weeks after being back, that dream job was shattered by the news that the owners of the company had foolishly made some poor financial decisions and Varsity Gold was headed into bankruptcy.  I remember that Monday night as I sat in my empty house.  My kids were gone.  I sat on my bed after hanging up from that dreaded conference call.  I began to sob.  What now?!?

Then, I turned and saw the book on my bedside table where it had sat since I returned from Arizona.  I picked it up and started to reread it.  Then, suddenly I got it.  It all was clear.  That bankruptcy court, nor my failed marriage, nor my failed business, or anything controlled my destiny.  I DID!!!

“The consummate truth of life is that we alter our destiny by altering our thoughts. “

Starting on that Monday night in the wee hours of the morning, my destiny was altered.  Something I had failed to do during those tough times.  I stood on my bed and start shouting, “IT STOPS TONIGHT!!!  TONIGHT, I TAKE BACK CONTROL!!!  Then, I shouted louder, NO!!!!! NOT ANYMORE!!!!  All the while, sobbing and crying.

I had figured it out, thanks to Dennis Deaton.  I always possessed it.  I did when I was first in my class, or heading a booming business, or being a wonderful father.  I just lost sight out when the times weren’t so great.

But never again; so that Monday night, in the early morning hours, I made the decision to no longer be the victim.  Today, I own and operate my own fundraising business.  I am replenishing my bank accounts, and the level of content within me is back.  I am successful once again and that confidence level is through the roof.

Thank you, Dennis.  Thanks for that One Grand Key that I had all along but lost sight of.

Strengthening the Locus of Control



I just drove to work on a rain-soaked highway.  Slippery surfaces caused traffic to slow.  Or, so I thought at first.  Actually the slippery surface was a condition and what actually caused traffic to slow was the reflexive good sense of the drivers responding to the condition. 

 When we sense or perceive a lack of control, we tend to slow down.

 Weird, I know, but I just kept pursuing that line of thinking, and applied it to the workplace. What ultimately influences whether a person speeds up or slows down on the job?  I think it has to do with a sense of control stemming from conditions that are not as objective as a slippery highway.

 In fact, the conditions are quite subjective and open for interpretation. In victim thinking, much of the “my input doesn’t count” and “there’s nothing I can do” mentality is often  more perception than reality. People unduly limit their influence and stew in the consequences without even realizing it.

Far from “there is nothing I/we can do,” there is virtually no end to what committed minds can do when they see how many options they truly have and how many creative solutions can be generated out of a “we can and we will” mentality.  

 The Key to transforming victim thinking into owner thinking—as individuals and as teams—is to teach people where their Locus of Control actually lies and lead them to an appreciation of the spectacular personal benefits that come from exerting control where control will succeed.

What have you done today to improve your thoughts?



Just as physical exercise strengthens the body, so also the mind is made stronger through exercise. Daily mental exertion helps make us more fit for the game of life.  Two things to remember: 1) You are the sole selector of your mental subject matter; the decision to leave or to stay with any given topic is entirely yours.  2) With every thought you choose, you are choosing a corresponding consequence. 

So what have you done to improve your thoughts today?  That thought itself is a worthwhile exercise to work with in your mental gym. When something did not go your way, were you able to use your presence of mind to recognize that you had choices at that instant–the choice to become angry or just take it in stride or do something constructive about it.  

From the Ownership Spirit book, I offer you a couple of thoughts that can serve as exercises to think about and ponder a bit: 

1.  We each have a body; but we are not our bodies. We have emotions, but we are not our emotions. And, we have feelings, but we are not our feelings.

2.  Each of us, at the core, is the thinker of thoughts inside our bodies, and what that thinker of thoughts chooses to think has everything to say about the quality of the life we live.

3. We are the only species that can think about its thinking right in the process of thinking it. 

As you dwell upon these suggested ponder points, you will soon find yourself thinking differently about thinking itself.  That is the Key!

One visit to the gym will not turn you into a mental Olympian, but it is where you start.  Doing something as simple as choosing to respond with patience rather than with irritation has, over time, an incredibly powerful cumulative effect. 

A good friend of mine, David Daughtrey, says, “If you consistently do what anybody can do but don’t, eventually you’ll be able to do what other people wish they could do, but cannot.”  And, that is another thought worth thinking about. 

Only you can set yourself on a course of continuous growth and increased power over your life.

Creating Confidence Model



Recently, a pertinent question surfaced during an Ownership Spirit® seminar I was teaching to a group of leaders. One leader asked, “How do you help people elevate their presets about themselves.”

 

Anyone who is parent, youth advisor, or team leader at work knows the scenario behind the question. We all know people who are under-performing—not because they lack the ability but because they lack the confidence.  They underestimate their own capability to venture into new dimensions and take on more responsibility.

 

This discussion provided the opportunity to emphasize another key distinction regarding Tough-Minded Ownership. Tough-Minded Owners are able to stand up to sizable adversities in their lives because they adopt the habit of standing up to smaller ones on a day-to-day basis. Having built up a track record of overcoming certain obstacles, they gain the ability to face and surmount larger ones, including unexpected, near-catastrophic adversities.

 

Based on that rationale, I offer you a simple method or tool for helping others gain more confidence in themselves.  I have dubbed it the

 

Creating Confidence Model:

 

1.     Extend a specific challenge—an attainable stretch

(One size does not fit all in human relations. Focus on getting to know the inner person—the intentions, aspirations, fears, and current areas of confidence.  Then assign a clearly defined task or responsibility suited to the inner person—one that requires a stretch.)

 

2.     Monitor progress—but don’t hover

 

3.     Offer input only when asked

 

4.     Praise effort.  Reward success.

 

Solid self-confidence and Tough-Minded Ownership are no flimsy mindsets. They are powerful, realistic states of mind built on the realism of previous successes. Just as the biblical David had confidence that he could slay Goliath because he had previously strengthened his faith through prior victories over a lion and a bear, each of us extends the boundaries of our confidence one modest venture—one additional degree—at a time.  

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